You Know That One? Yeah. Let’s Talk About THAT One.

We all know her. That one girl that always seems to get herself entwined in your new relationship (not on purpose). That one that lurks in the shadows of the past, just waiting to pounce! Or so it seems. Maybe it’s the way we women are wired, or maybe it’s not just us. Men seem to have this problem too. Is it all in our heads? Are we punishing each other for misdeeds that happened when our hearts were young and tender?

I have a theory. Everyone clings to someone or something  from their past until they’re content with the person that they meet in the present. It’s hard to let go of good memories, and look at them as just that. A memory. Nothing more, nothing less. Instead the mistake of mentioning the past, and getting a glint in the eye is made time and time again, and people are hurt, and become paranoid that the second the lurker of the past re-emerges. Then boom! We’re done, capoot, fini, gonzo! Don’t you just want to pop her little head off and punt it into a pit of fire that burns hotter than a thousand suns?!

This should be an Olympic sport! A la 50 shades of vintage doily love. That’s a thing, right?? Vintage doily love? We really love doilies.

Ah but this is not the case my lovelies! The truth is, we’re afraid of letting ourselves be loved and love completely. I can’t tell you how much I fought falling in love with boyfriend when we first met, out of fear that he wouldn’t feel the same or hurt me. You have to trust your instincts and realize that until you can trust yourself wholeheartedly, you can’t trust or love another. Finally I let myself fall, and I’ve never looked back. Now he’s boyfriend of 3 years, or so, I don’t know we don’t count, and I’m aglow with happiness.

What brought this on you ask? Oh just a little thing called paranoid girlfriends texting me in a panic because an ex was brought up, or a girl whom they’ve always suspected had a crush on their man. My god! I read this dribble thinking to myself, just stop. Stop thinking about who he could be with, and realize he chose you for a reason! That girl has been there forever, and they had their chance! Eff her and her ass length curly hair, her perfectly manicured toes and her fake British accent. He belongs to you! And if you can’t trust his judgement, maybe you should look in the mirror and say: WTF self esteem? Don’t fail me now! Even though, you’re probably PMSing. If you are pmsing, do yourself a favor and cry over a pint of Chunky Monkey, and release that tension.

I would like to drink beer in the river with Boyfriend! His beard would smell funny afterward though. That’s minus 5 points. 

What have we learned? Trust! Trust yourself, trust him, and trust your gut. Don’t lurk, don’t check up, don’t question. Be his best friend, laugh with him, argue about stupid things like socks under the coffee table, and always kiss each other good night. I guarantee that you’ll feel better, and he’ll gravitate toward you. I hate seeing nagging girlfriends, because I know it’s just a matter of time before he goes and does something stupid. Know what boyfriend said? If a girl keeps on accusing a guy of cheating, or performing whichever horrible misdeed she can think up, the more he’ll be inclined to just go do it. May as well actually be blamed about something you actually did! He has a beard, so I believe him.

So stop being effing retarded, and making us cool girls, ahem K and I, look bad. Be super cool and you’ll have a super cool awesomely amazing relationship. With yourself and your man. And remember, you’re super cool, so if he does something stupid, then obviously, he’s not worth your time. And he clearly rides a short bus named Dale. I saw one once.

He’s not impressed with you either. And Corgis are the wizards of the dog world. 

V xo love you

Ps. Super cool is the phrase of the day. So just chill the eff out.